Crazy Jesus Man was on campus again this week. The guy usually comes at least once a semester, sometimes with minions, and stands by the fountain while shouting to all the students that they're going to Hell. He's awesome like that.
Usually he angers enough students to start a verbal rumble and we all watch and wonder how people like him reproduce. Someone once told me the whole schpiel is just a psychological experiment and I still wonder about that, because those people always seem a little too crazy-- but then again, Fred Phelps is just a synonym for psychotic so I don't want to downplay the potential of our campus visitors. I'm sure if Jesus had a facebook, he would totally ignore their friend requests.
Anywho, when I saw Crazy this past week I came up with the most amazing idea. Ever. I want to do my own picketing, but in the name of Ceiling Cat, and read passages from the LOLCat Bible. I want to tell students that if they just believe in Ceiling Cat, they too can have bountiful cheezburgers and ride invisible bikes in Heben. And I want to get a group of Ceiling Cat Believers together (and their cats, if applicable) to picket with me. I just have to find out when Crazy Jesus Man will come again so I can tell him that his path is leading him into the paws of Basement Cat.
(Ceiling Cat punishes Adam and Eve for forbidden noms)
Shlep: (verb) to pull, drag, tug, yank; to move slowly or clumsily.
Shlepper: (noun) a lazy bastard, so to speak.
Besides Cubans and chongas, South Florida is full of Jews. Living here is basically the tropical version of New York, minus cool stuff (like Cash Cab and junkies in the subway). If you go to North Miami Beach on a Saturday, you will see kippahs everywhere. I'm pretty sure most live between North Dade, Broward and Palm Beach Counties. And having grown up in Broward, I feel quite cozy with Jewish culture, though my parents are Catholic. I remember the one good trade-off about church used to be the possibility of eating at a Jewish diner afterward (because with all the crap they've faced throughout history, they make some damn good comfort food. OMG, knishes).
My psychology teacher in high school was an older Jewish lady who smoked too much and had a raspy, New York or Jersey accent. She liked referring to Sigmund Freud as "Ziggy-baby". At the end of class she used to say to us, "Okay, bubeles, pack up your chazeray and go". She would use words like schmatta, schmutz and bopkis. I wanted to know what the hell she was saying, so I started looking up Yiddish words and phrases.
And that's when I discovered Yiddish is the best language ever. There is such an abundance comical phrases and smart-ass insults that I can't keep up. Half the fun is in the mere pronunciation of words like schmekel and feygele. When studying Yiddish, you realize why people like Mel Brooks are so genius. I learned how to say things in Yiddish like "Drop dead", "Go to Hell", and "Kiss my ass". I discovered the wise authority and awkward beauty of all those phlegmy sounds. And I ate a matzoh ball for the first time. Finally, I understood my psychology teacher. I understood The Nanny. But Fiddler on the Roof was just lame. Yeah, I said it.
So shlep on, Shleper of the Boca Juniors, in your Mercedes. I know you're probably totally disconnected from your Yiddishkayt and you eat ham sandwiches. Whatever, I just like your license plate.
I'm accustomed to evangelicals. Evangelicals as in, "Have you heard the good word, my friend?" My mom is one. She likes to buy me little books (like The Da Vinci Deception) and stuffed bears from the LifeWay Christian Store. And after a few months, I like to give them to Goodwill. (Don't worry, Mum will never read this.) It's not just because I've been resigned from Christianity for nearly ten years. I don't want a whole bunch of stuff lying around if I'm not going to use it.
Anywho, evangelicals. They're not only in my family, but all over Miami, because in case you didn't know, Hispanics are so Christian it hurts. Kidding, please don't douse me in holy water. But it's pretty common to have some kind of "missionary" experience in this city. A teenage girl at Barnes & Noble was very persistent with me one evening, returning even after I declined her mini-sermon. Twice. That was fun. Like being flogged. (Obviously not everyone is like that girl. I think most would get the message when one is interested or not.) And of course, it's always a Christian sect. Mormon, Jehovah's Witness, Lutheran, etc. In Broward County, where there's a bagel shop on every street, no Jew has ever tried to convert me.
But on campus at FIU, I have observed, and been approached by what I like to call "yoga thumpers". They walk around with Hindu scripture, asking if you're familiar with yoga and reincarnation. They're exceedingly soft-spoken. I'm pretty sure they ask for donations (donation to what, I don't know/remember). The best part is they're white. I have been approached a total of three times. The first time (which was last year) I thought, "Hey, this scenario is familiar. But wait, that's not a bible!" The second time (earlier this semester) I assured the guy that I had already talked to one of them in the past. The third time, before he even said anything, I just told him, "You guys got me yesterday." Before I met the yoga thumpers, I was already into karma and learning about reincarnation. I already own a copy of the Bhagavad Gita, which sits on my bookshelf like the family bible that never gets read. I had even named one of my kittens Shiva but then he freakin died a week later. Because I'm white like that. Yet these guys are still annoying to me. Frankly, I like learning about all that dharma schmarma and krishna krunch on my own. The more they hunt me down, the less attractive it is. Besides, why would the culture that spawned the Kama Sutra and Tantric sex need its own evangelists?
(Ceiling Cat punishes Adam and Eve for forbidden noms)
