Sunday, April 5, 2009

From now on...

I'm going to be blogging here.

Werd to yo auntie.

Friday, April 3, 2009

The Last Straw.

Jesus. Look at them. I hate people who just don't stop smiling. I mean, really? What delicious benzodiasapine are you all on? There are starving children in Ethiopia. Polar bears are eating each other while Klondike Bars lie in puddles. Michael Jackson is touring again. There are people passing you by who think that there's actually some kind of bean in a Vanilla Bean Frappuccino (true story)! And you just stand there in a politically correct diverse group, with your perfectly-mixed-breed dog, smiling to yourselves, wearing your Old Navy clothes (which are always so weirdly proportioned that the few I actually like never fit me). And 3.5 kids in the scene! What the hell? Where's the barbecue and Arbor Mist, you bastards? I bet you're gonna have fancy Jello-molds too. And Neil Diamond on the stereo (you do know that he sucks, right?). Stop deluding yourselves, Suburbia! Life is tragic. It has weird smells. I hope one of your kids sprains an ankle on the Slip'n'Slide.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

They're waiting for you...

Kiosks are the evil trolls of the mall. They're always around the corner, waiting for you and your unsuspecting children, ready to steal your souls and curse you with senseless trends and tacky, over-priced products. Like Wind Spinners...
"Ooh. Look at the shiny..."

They lurk outside the food court and in front of your favorite stores. If you walk quickly and don't look at them, you may escape. Sometimes they call out to you, nail-buffer in hand. You must not oblige them. They will hypnotize you, manipulating your impulses with bright colors and demonstrations of their magic tricks. You will end up buying Lucky Eyes, silk wrap skirts, hermit crabs, back-scratchers, steam-irons, or worst of all, Crocs. You will realize only when it's too late that you have paid too much for mere novelties, or thrown away a week's worth of what could have been coffee or gas money. Then you will walk past the dollar store, and see the same hot pink Crocs (which you shouldn't have bought anyway) being sold for the price they're really worth. You will bite into that "gourmet" cupcake and realize you could've bought a box of cake mix for the same price and had twelve cupcakes that taste the same! Tragedy!

Do not give them a chance! Pretend to be on your cell phone; act like you are blind, deaf, or foreign; make yourself busy and hit your child! Do not succumb to the retail trolls! Save yourself...

Friday, March 27, 2009

Ceiling Cat is Watching You Be a Jerk

Crazy Jesus Man was on campus again this week. The guy usually comes at least once a semester, sometimes with minions, and stands by the fountain while shouting to all the students that they're going to Hell. He's awesome like that.

Usually he angers enough students to start a verbal rumble and we all watch and wonder how people like him reproduce. Someone once told me the whole schpiel is just a psychological experiment and I still wonder about that, because those people always seem a little too crazy-- but then again, Fred Phelps is just a synonym for psychotic so I don't want to downplay the potential of our campus visitors. I'm sure if Jesus had a facebook, he would totally ignore their friend requests.

Anywho, when I saw Crazy this past week I came up with the most amazing idea. Ever. I want to do my own picketing, but in the name of Ceiling Cat, and read passages from the LOLCat Bible. I want to tell students that if they just believe in Ceiling Cat, they too can have bountiful cheezburgers and ride invisible bikes in Heben. And I want to get a group of Ceiling Cat Believers together (and their cats, if applicable) to picket with me. I just have to find out when Crazy Jesus Man will come again so I can tell him that his path is leading him into the paws of Basement Cat.

(Ceiling Cat punishes Adam and Eve for forbidden noms)

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Thoughts over free wine...

Dear Sir,

It's been such a pleasure meeting you and your wife. You seem like a lovely, mismatched middle-aged southern couple. I've enjoyed talking to your wife about the education system and the progression of the women's movement. (She's pretty intelligent, how'd you manage to snag that?) And you have also been enjoyable to talk to-- you apparently have a lot of experience in bullshitting people. I can appreciate that, as well as the relationship advice you tried to give me; sure, I may find it pretty useless, but I can see you're just trying to be nice and that it's not your fault your perception of relationships is so dated and stagnant. Perhaps you'd be interested in the Ashley Madison Agency? Oh, and don't worry, I already know the bartender just wants some tang. Men are like that, right? By the way, sorry to burst your lesbian-porn fantasy bubble-- my friend and I have not engaged sexually. I know, hard to believe. I guess not all girls have sexy pillow fights. And thank you
so much for the wine you bought for us. It's not everyday a rotund, married middle-aged man buys a couple of young gals a drink. I do love a good shiraz.

But please, if you don't mind...

Stop. Touching me.

Thank you.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

I think Karma's ready to pounce on these guys.

A few times in the past month, I have heard an interesting radio commercial for The Ashley Madison Agency. Of course, we all experience a variety of reactions to the different advertisements out there. Some make you smile, like the mildly cute and quirky Geico Gecko; some are annoying (Lucinda Bassett, I'm looking your way); some make me angry, like the ones for San Giuseppe wine (not only are they annoying, but wine should not need a radio commercial, which is why I refuse to ever try San Giuseppe); some are just too. Damn. Much. (I'm shaking my tiny fist at you, Brandsmart U.S.A!) And then there are ones like this Ashley Madison ad, that make me go wha?

What type of service does Ashley Madison provide?


Mmm-hmm. Affairs for married people who want a secret side dish. Or as the people at Ashley Madison like to call it, "married dating". Like so:

"Ashley Madison is the world's #1 Married Dating service specifically for ATTACHED men and women who are looking to have an Extra-marital Affair."

Or as I like to call it, "volunteer prostitution".

Apparently, it works like a dating service, but the members are mostly married people whose spouses are unaware of their membership. Basically, if it's not enough for you to just have an online affair, or an unexpected incident at your office party because you had too much schnapps, you can actively seek out someone on Ashley Madison to have sex with behind your partner's back. Finally! So long Craigslist!

Hmm. I don't want to judge, but this just strikes me as, eh, kinda dumb. If you want more excitement, go to the Spice of Life store and buy some whips. Rent some Japanese porn for you and your partner (no, really, dont. Please. Not the Japanese porn.) If you want to have sex with others,
talk your partner into having an open relationship. (Good luck with that one, by the way.) Join or form a swingers' club! (They were big in the seventies, I don't know what the hell happened.) It's extra-marital sex without the guilt! And you don't have to create a lame-ass profile to try convincing a stranger you're hot enough to have an affair with-- because you just know the only people on this site are those who can't manage an affair in person.

But. If you are going to have an affair behind your spouse's back, be bold and do it the old-fashioned way: pull a stranger into an elevator, make them feel happily violated until the fifteenth floor (but don't look them in the eye!), and walk out while smoking a cigarette.

The end.

Monday, March 16, 2009

And now it's time for a lesson in...

Good Plaid, Bad Plaid.

Good Plaid:
Wearing a guitar and political frustration with your flannel shirt, like Neil Young. It is also a good idea to find some old boots and not wash your hair for a week. Do not attempt, however, unless you have talent.

Bad Plaid: Wearing a keffiyeh with your flannel shirt because the display looks cool. This makes you look like a pretentious east coast performance artist. Or emo. Especially if your hair covers one eye. Either way, not cool. If you are a pretentious artist, or an emo kid with no taste, proceed with the ensemble.

Good Plaid: Purple plaid pants and a taste for homicide and balloons. Jack Nicholson struts his stuff with a matching purple coat, nifty cane, and some kick-ass one-liners.

Bad Plaid: Yellow plaid pants and no credentials. Really, you better be damn hip to wear these things. Like Prince-hip. He can wear anything.

Good Plaid: Fiery red hair and a plaid skirt, a la Tori Amos. Works best in small, gay/lesbian-saturated music venues, or coffee houses. Also a plus if you've been playing the piano since you were two and a half and take drugs with shamans. (Oh yeah, and she's amazing.)

Bad Plaid: Suspenders and Pepto-Bismol plaid shorts. Who designed these? They look too retarded even for Avril Lavigne. But hey, never underestimate the power of dumb.

Good Plaid: Being a rock icon and symbol of the nineties. Just don't ever move to Kurt Cobain's hometown, Aberdeen, Washington. Let's just say "depressing" is too weak of a word to describe the place.

Bad Plaid: Being an icon for paper towels. You're not even the original Brawny Man! Grow a beard, you pansy.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Doom Strudels

"Schnell, Klaus, Schnell!"

The Germans must know that, despite their beer, rosy cheeks and dorky-ass lederhosen, deep down we are afraid of them (you may not realize it, but you are). I caught these two exercising their intimidation on Miami Beach. Klaus here was tossing Gertrude into the air like pfannkuchen, while her expression remained ever-so stiff, and unfeeling, because Germans are really just extraterrestrial superbots. Their jolly culture is merely a parody of humanity, a cover-up until they take over. (The whole Nazi thing? That was actually a mistake. Hitler wasn't even one of them; he came from the "uber-dark side" and fooled the other superbots into following him. Dumb bots.) I was afraid, being about one-eighth their size, that one of them would come and flick me into the ocean, or use me as a hacky sack.

Only once before have I come into contact with a German. On an overnight flight to the Netherlands a few years ago, my seatmate fooled me with his lanky physique and kind, benign aura (a damn clever disguise). I figured him out when he pronounced "school" as "shool" instead of "skool". But I stayed calm, conversing casually and saying,
"Ja!" to get him on my side. I think it worked because at 6 a.m., I awoke to him offering me a Sour Patch Kid- "Vould you like a sveetie?" And when a German offers you a "sveetie" ("sweetie" is another word for "candy" in Europe, by the way), you damn well take it. And you like it.

These guys? They left me alone, probably pitying my rabbit-like stature. Were they really even German? Err, I don't know. Maybe Austrian. Still. Scary, scary superbots.


Monday, March 9, 2009


Whatever floats your boat, turtle.

Dirty Ponies.

Pony ride! Every little girl's dream! Weeeee! (Sings My Little Pony song)

(What is it with little girls and ponies anyway? Why not camels or llamas? Or ostriches. Prejudiced little wenches. Anyway.)


Wait. What?

Yeah... maybe it's just me (I don't think it is), but that sign doesn't seem quite kosher. I mean, come on. Really... little girls and flimsy boys are the only candidates for this attraction, and that sign is implicitly rated PG-13. Who put that there? Where is the FCC? I could understand if we were at the 99 Kiss Country Chili Cook Off (and rest assured, you wouldn't catch me there on acid). But this was the Asian Culture Festival. And not kinky-Japanese-porn-and-manga Asian culture; we're talking about Buddhism, Thai fruit-carving, origami, folk dancing, bubble tea (I know, bubble tea is awesome). Wholesomely foreign family fun. And some bastard had to go and spoil the pony rides with a suggestive sign. What will the children think now? Their tiny tainted minds...

(sigh) I wish I'd thought of that sign.