Kiosks are the evil trolls of the mall. They're always around the corner, waiting for you and your unsuspecting children, ready to steal your souls and curse you with senseless trends and tacky, over-priced products. Like Wind Spinners... 
"Ooh. Look at the shiny..."
They lurk outside the food court and in front of your favorite stores. If you walk quickly and don't look at them, you may escape. Sometimes they call out to you, nail-buffer in hand. You must not oblige them. They will hypnotize you, manipulating your impulses with bright colors and demonstrations of their magic tricks. You will end up buying Lucky Eyes, silk wrap skirts, hermit crabs, back-scratchers, steam-irons, or worst of all, Crocs. You will realize only when it's too late that you have paid too much for mere novelties, or thrown away a week's worth of what could have been coffee or gas money. Then you will walk past the dollar store, and see the same hot pink Crocs (which you shouldn't have bought anyway) being sold for the price they're really worth. You will bite into that "gourmet" cupcake and realize you could've bought a box of cake mix for the same price and had twelve cupcakes that taste the same! Tragedy!
Do not give them a chance! Pretend to be on your cell phone; act like you are blind, deaf, or foreign; make yourself busy and hit your child! Do not succumb to the retail trolls! Save yourself...
Good Plaid, Bad Plaid.
Good Plaid: Wearing a guitar and political frustration with your flannel shirt, like Neil Young. It is also a good idea to find some old boots and not wash your hair for a week. Do not attempt, however, unless you have talent.
Bad Plaid: Wearing a keffiyeh with your flannel shirt because the display looks cool. This makes you look like a pretentious east coast performance artist. Or emo. Especially if your hair covers one eye. Either way, not cool. If you are a pretentious artist, or an emo kid with no taste, proceed with the ensemble.
Good Plaid: Purple plaid pants and a taste for homicide and balloons. Jack Nicholson struts his stuff with a matching purple coat, nifty cane, and some kick-ass one-liners.
Bad Plaid: Yellow plaid pants and no credentials. Really, you better be damn hip to wear these things. Like Prince-hip. He can wear anything.
Good Plaid: Fiery red hair and a plaid skirt, a la Tori Amos. Works best in small, gay/lesbian-saturated music venues, or coffee houses. Also a plus if you've been playing the piano since you were two and a half and take drugs with shamans. (Oh yeah, and she's amazing.)
Bad Plaid: Suspenders and Pepto-Bismol plaid shorts. Who designed these? They look too retarded even for Avril Lavigne. But hey, never underestimate the power of dumb.
Good Plaid: Being a rock icon and symbol of the nineties. Just don't ever move to Kurt Cobain's hometown, Aberdeen, Washington. Let's just say "depressing" is too weak of a word to describe the place.
Bad Plaid: Being an icon for paper towels. You're not even the original Brawny Man! Grow a beard, you pansy.
High ponytail. Hot pink clip-on hair bow. Jeweled peace sign necklace. Pink Victoria's Secret track suit (from the Pink line, of course). Coach handbag. Sidekick with heart and star stickers. Hello Kitty credit card.
A customer came into Starschmucks sporting the ensemble described above. None of these fashions on their own are particularly ridiculous. They're mostly very "in" right now, from what I've seen (though I don't know about that hair bow). But when you pile them into one one outfit, and wear it when you're in college, it kinda screams, "I'm not ready!" (That, and, "I have a poor sense of fashion".)
I was really just in awe of her existence. It would have been perfect if she talked like one of the sorority girls, but she was so absorbed in her Sidekick she barely said a word beyond "Tall caramel macchiato". I wanted to ask her what grade she was in, and if she had seen the latest Hannah Montana episode. There's a point, like around adulthood, where you should start considering the image you project with your clothes and accessories. Hair bows and pink overload do not help. Sorry.
"Ooh. Look at the shiny..."
