A few times in the past month, I have heard an interesting radio commercial for The Ashley Madison Agency. Of course, we all experience a variety of reactions to the different advertisements out there. Some make you smile, like the mildly cute and quirky Geico Gecko; some are annoying (Lucinda Bassett, I'm looking your way); some make me angry, like the ones for San Giuseppe wine (not only are they annoying, but wine should not need a radio commercial, which is why I refuse to ever try San Giuseppe); some are just too. Damn. Much. (I'm shaking my tiny fist at you, Brandsmart U.S.A!) And then there are ones like this Ashley Madison ad, that make me go wha?
What type of service does Ashley Madison provide?
Affairs.
Mmm-hmm. Affairs for married people who want a secret side dish. Or as the people at Ashley Madison like to call it, "married dating". Like so:
"Ashley Madison is the world's #1 Married Dating service specifically for ATTACHED men and women who are looking to have an Extra-marital Affair."
Or as I like to call it, "volunteer prostitution".
Apparently, it works like a dating service, but the members are mostly married people whose spouses are unaware of their membership. Basically, if it's not enough for you to just have an online affair, or an unexpected incident at your office party because you had too much schnapps, you can actively seek out someone on Ashley Madison to have sex with behind your partner's back. Finally! So long Craigslist!
Hmm. I don't want to judge, but this just strikes me as, eh, kinda dumb. If you want more excitement, go to the Spice of Life store and buy some whips. Rent some Japanese porn for you and your partner (no, really, dont. Please. Not the Japanese porn.) If you want to have sex with others, talk your partner into having an open relationship. (Good luck with that one, by the way.) Join or form a swingers' club! (They were big in the seventies, I don't know what the hell happened.) It's extra-marital sex without the guilt! And you don't have to create a lame-ass profile to try convincing a stranger you're hot enough to have an affair with-- because you just know the only people on this site are those who can't manage an affair in person.
But. If you are going to have an affair behind your spouse's back, be bold and do it the old-fashioned way: pull a stranger into an elevator, make them feel happily violated until the fifteenth floor (but don't look them in the eye!), and walk out while smoking a cigarette.
The end.
Good Plaid, Bad Plaid.
Good Plaid: Wearing a guitar and political frustration with your flannel shirt, like Neil Young. It is also a good idea to find some old boots and not wash your hair for a week. Do not attempt, however, unless you have talent.
Bad Plaid: Wearing a keffiyeh with your flannel shirt because the display looks cool. This makes you look like a pretentious east coast performance artist. Or emo. Especially if your hair covers one eye. Either way, not cool. If you are a pretentious artist, or an emo kid with no taste, proceed with the ensemble.
Good Plaid: Purple plaid pants and a taste for homicide and balloons. Jack Nicholson struts his stuff with a matching purple coat, nifty cane, and some kick-ass one-liners.
Bad Plaid: Yellow plaid pants and no credentials. Really, you better be damn hip to wear these things. Like Prince-hip. He can wear anything.
Good Plaid: Fiery red hair and a plaid skirt, a la Tori Amos. Works best in small, gay/lesbian-saturated music venues, or coffee houses. Also a plus if you've been playing the piano since you were two and a half and take drugs with shamans. (Oh yeah, and she's amazing.)
Bad Plaid: Suspenders and Pepto-Bismol plaid shorts. Who designed these? They look too retarded even for Avril Lavigne. But hey, never underestimate the power of dumb.
Good Plaid: Being a rock icon and symbol of the nineties. Just don't ever move to Kurt Cobain's hometown, Aberdeen, Washington. Let's just say "depressing" is too weak of a word to describe the place.
Bad Plaid: Being an icon for paper towels. You're not even the original Brawny Man! Grow a beard, you pansy.
High ponytail. Hot pink clip-on hair bow. Jeweled peace sign necklace. Pink Victoria's Secret track suit (from the Pink line, of course). Coach handbag. Sidekick with heart and star stickers. Hello Kitty credit card.
A customer came into Starschmucks sporting the ensemble described above. None of these fashions on their own are particularly ridiculous. They're mostly very "in" right now, from what I've seen (though I don't know about that hair bow). But when you pile them into one one outfit, and wear it when you're in college, it kinda screams, "I'm not ready!" (That, and, "I have a poor sense of fashion".)
I was really just in awe of her existence. It would have been perfect if she talked like one of the sorority girls, but she was so absorbed in her Sidekick she barely said a word beyond "Tall caramel macchiato". I wanted to ask her what grade she was in, and if she had seen the latest Hannah Montana episode. There's a point, like around adulthood, where you should start considering the image you project with your clothes and accessories. Hair bows and pink overload do not help. Sorry.
::sigh::
Honestly, I don't understand. Did I miss something? Can someone tell me why these damn family stickers on car windows are so popular? Am I the only one who wants to sneak around a parking lot and place an ominous X over random sticker-family members?
I know this little fad has been going on for a while now, maybe a couple of years or more. But I have to talk about it. My main question is, Why would you advertise your family like that? For one, it's just annoying, like the parents who send album-loads of baby pictures to their family and friends (your kid can shit on the toilet now, congrats). Secondly, it sometimes feels like the beholder of the stickers is boasting some kind of social perfection- "Check it out, 2.5 kids and a dog! Quintessential suburbanite, bitches!" And on that note, how does one not feel like a sickening sugar-coated cliche? Beaver Cleaver could kick your ass. Then what about the people who have but one or two stickers? They're just asking for pity, especially if that one sticker is of their dog.
But more than anything, I question the logic behind this fad. The first time I saw these stickers, however long ago that was, the first thought that came to my head was, "Now if I were a predator..." Call me cynical, evil, disturbed, whatever. If I were a predator out on the road, these stickers are all I'd keep my eye out for, because then I'd know which cars lead to households with plenty of possessions, and if there are any kids or teens for the taking. With any luck, the school at which the children are "Honor Students" will be on the bumper too. Stalkerlicious. Some stickers even have the names of the family members! Really, people, come on. That's like holding your baby over a balcony. Okay, not quite, but it's dangerous. Keeping-It-Real-Mom knows what I'm talking about! (Now, I don't know exactly how real she keeps it, but at least she would agree with me).
